one step at a time

It is hard to do everything, but I have found that I get more done, and my ADD is a little easier to manage, when I have a LOT of things to do--and especially if some of the major things in that list of things to do is engaging and fulfilling. It might take a while though to get things done with having so many things to do...

I have been slowly working on my painting. Any slower and I wouldn't be working on it at all hahahaha. I have been feeling an internal push to paint, but I never seem to be able to fit it in. I would like to do it at work in the evenings, but so far haven't had the opportunity to leave home once I get home for the day.

I busted out my paints today, in my tiny living room, and after failing at color mixing, I turned to the internet for help, again. I can not express my love for the internet enough. I found several articles on color theory that were exactly what I needed, and figured out how to solve my road block. Of course, I am too tired at this point to start painting again for the evening, but I know what to do when I go at it again.

And have I mentioned how messy oil paints are? I managed to get them all over my face without even trying. even on my mouth. I have skills. And, have I mentioned how toxic oil paints are? Hence why I washed my lips down with dawn soap. so fun hahaha.

I went to bed with full intentions of going to sleep... and then Ryan put an idea in my head, which of course was like a domino effect and led to a really good idea for my painting, and now my brain is going and won't stop. I wasn't going to get to sleep unless I figured out the specifics of how my idea would work, so I got onto the computer, opened up my Photoshop, and figured out how to redesign my painting for this new idea. The best part is it will only take some minor tweaking but will result in a better composition, and a clearer message.

I really, really appreciate technology like google and photoshop. It makes me wonder if our ancestors ever get angry at how we take it for granted (I have been assured that people who have gone before us do not get angry, because they are beyond such things, but I still wonder :) ). There is absolutely no excuse not to learn whatever it is you want to learn. When I hit my roadblock tonight, my first thought was to pray for help, hoping the answer would just pop into my head; and then I had the impression come that if I really believed that you could learn anything these days, than why shouldn't I be looking it up on the internet? I felt as if I was being taught a lesson, similar to the brother of Jared in the Book of Mormon. We have been given so much in this day and age, we really do not have any excuses not to further our education as much as we can through personal research, etc.

some of the things I have been working on

This sculpture by Benjamin Victor of Delilah is in my opinion 

the best sculpture I have as of yet seen come through the foundry. I am completely in awe of it every time I walk by it, and am kind of sad to see it be shipped off. 

 I helped in the mold room one day when we didn't have any metal to work on. Actually I spent the week in there. They will often mold in pieces, so that is why he is missing some body parts.

 I am so stinking proud of doing the patina on this piece. my manager had her way of doing it, and the first time I did the piece I did it her way, though I knew it wasn't the best way--and it didn't turn out perfect. The second time around (it is part of a series) I thought a lot about it, and came up with a different way of doing it. My manager was not pleased, and all along the way kept commenting on how I should have done it the other way, thinking that I was completely messing it up. It turned out PERFECT. I have discovered that I do have skill in something, I do have knowledge and understanding beyond the basics in something, and it is a very big confidence boost. I am discovering that although my managers do have more experience in application and "recipes" (they were trained on the job, they are self proclaimed NOT artists--artists drive them crazy... and now they have to work with an artist hahaha), I really do know my stuff when it comes to color, design, composition, value, and all those things you learn in school as well as in years of painting and drawing. 

moments of beauty

We have been blessed with smart, kind, beautiful children. Sometimes I just marvel at the miracle my children are. Sometimes I let Violet fall asleep in my bed with me, and I enjoy holding her close like when she was a baby, and think that these days are so fleeting and someday soon they will be all grown up and I will severely miss this. Between the temper tantrums, and difficult days there are moments of pure beauty. Recently I was struggling with my inadequacies as a parent, and I overheard Ethan proudly telling his friend how his mom was funny and would play with him. I realized that at the end of my life, the greatest compliment I could get from my children wouldn't be that I kept an immaculate home, or that I was super organized, but that I made them feel loved.  It made it a little less of a big deal to me that I struggle in other areas. 

I lost my make-up a couple months back. All of it. We had just returned from a trip, and so it was assumed that I lost it on the trip. I am not a make-up person, I just like being me most days as I am, but I like being able to look extra nice sometimes. So, I finally broke down and bought all new make-up this last week, and even some things I should have bought years ago--like in High School---hahaha. I feel like a grown up. I was so excited to try my new stuff out.


Today we found my missing make-up. Violet had stashed it in the back of her closet, behind toy boxes. It must have happened when we were un-packing. Ryan says it had to have been me, because Violet says she didn't do it, and she is so cute that he believes her. :)


We are currently staying put in our tiny apartment. We keep going back and forth on whether or not to move, and we even found a cute house to rent that would have been perfect, however our desire to be wise and save, and pay of debt, etc. won out. It is hard being a financially responsible adult sometimes, but we keep plugging along. As Ryan says, we are tough! ... or something :)


I emptied my strawberries out of my garden plot today and gave most of them to a friend who has a huge garden. She is going to let me garden with her family next year, instead of me going to the community garden.


I saved one large strawberry plant and planted in it in a hanging planter that is really pretty. I have no idea if it will survive or thrive in our tiny apartment over the winter but we will see. I am finding it very nice to be able to go and buy things we want, that are not complete necessities--like hanging planters, or new make-up, or a cute hat for work--and not stress about it. I am very grateful for Ryan's job. My job is supplemental, and helps towards our saving and paying off debt, and it is definitely educational and interesting being that I am working as a patineur in a bronze foundry, but I am grateful that Ryan has finally been able to get a job that is fulfilling and supports our family.

Tender Mercies

We had a beautiful weekend listening to conference. I started my painting and was happily surprised when Elder Oaks spoke about the concept for my painting in detail--this gave me confidence that I had been inspired on what to paint. We have been greatly blessed, and I have been noticing Heavenly Father's hand in our lives more and more. With each step of the painting I feel inspired as to what to do next. I don't know how to finish it, but as I move forward, I have inspiration as to what to do next. We have also been blessed in Ryan's job, far beyond what we are used to or expect. This weekend we decided we needed to find a bigger place to rent, because this place is just too small. The entire apartment could fit into just the patina room at work :) . And the smell of the turpentine and the toxicity of my oil paints are just not good in a tiny place around kids. Today I found out that we might get to rent the large four bedroom home I did the watering for this last summer. I decided to call and ask how much they were going to rent it for, even though I expected it to be way over our budget, but considering that we would maintain the place including yardwork--meaning they wouldn't have to pay someone-- they are considering renting it to us for what we would get a tinier, moldy place for. It is still expensive, but we expected that if we left our current apartment. so I am happy today.

School

I am anxious about school starting tomorrow. In the past we have looked forward with excitement for school, but this year Ethan has been stressed out about it and not at all eager to go back--which of course causes me to be anxious. Saturday I took him to lunch and then school shopping by myself, and he suddenly opened up and started telling me all of his concerns, as well as his negative memories from last year that he never told me about before. Most of it is simply a result of his misunderstandings of social interactions as well as inability to fully communicate with his peers.

I am grateful that his second grade teacher appears to be absolutely perfect for him, and I am praying and hoping that things will go better than last year. I have an IEP meeting set up for the end of September (they refused to do it sooner) and I will be fully prepared with doctors notes, goals, and our expectations. I was given great advice from several people, the best of which came from a principal of a school for kids with disabilities, and then a parent of a teen with Aspergers. I feel confident things will work out for the best, despite the case worker who I spoke to on Monday who tried to fluff me aside and made it sound like she wanted to take Ethan off of his IEP--which will not happen.

Tonight I am preparing some freezer meals for Ethan to take to school for lunch. I discovered last year that Ethan will not eat the food if he doesn't like it, and most of the time he did not like the school food. He is generally not a picky eater (he eats spicy food that is even too hot for me), but he hated school food most of the time, and there was no forcing him to eat it. I can't blame him, it is pretty yucky in my opinion as well. Ethan informed me that the cafeteria does have a microwave that kids can get help heating their food in, so I decided to make up some enchilada's tonight, and freeze them in portions that I can thaw and put in his lunch box with an ice pack. I'll also freeze the go-gurts so they will stay cold until lunch, and then just include some fruit. Ethan is a VERY hungry kid, he out eats Ryan and me combined, and he does not function well if he is hungry--so I figure this way I can help him perform better at school and help his teacher out by not having him be cranky and un-cooperative from hunger.

I was also thinking tonight, as I was washing dishes and stressing about school and Ethan's development, that I might have Ryan ask the young men at church if any of them would be willing to hang out with Ethan once a week for an hour or so playing soccer or baseball, in order to help him with physical development as well as social skills. The lady I spoke with who had a teen with Aspergers had suggested something like that, and I think it would be a very good thing for Ethan.

I am sure it will all work out, but the night before school starts is always filled with apprehension. Ethan is at least excited about the Captain America thermos I bought him at Old Navy, he keeps telling everyone about it and has repeatedly given me hugs and told me how much he loved me for buying it for him, hahahaha.

coming along

The beginning of my value study.  

breathing a sigh of relief

one step of the process is hopefully now behind me.......

My first serious photo shoot went really well, although I had so much anxiety build up throughout the evening that afterwards I felt nauseous and couldn't eat any of the yummy things I brought. Jeff Goodrich (the one who loaned and set up the photography equipment) was even kind enough to run by really quickly at the beginning when I couldn't get my camera to work (while Jillyn hid on the other side of the church so he wouldn't see her in her "costume", hahahaha she's so cute). He was so helpful, from setting things up to giving me knowledge on camera angle, lighting, and camera settings. I am so grateful to him as well as to my model Jillyn, who had a rough day and yet was so eager and cheerful and had just such a great attitude. The creative process does not come from a single person, and it is sad when only one person gets all of the credit. Often it takes a team of people to create a masterpiece, even if the finished piece was designed by one person.

Photo shoot day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My camera is ready
The studio lights are ready
I am itching to get this done~ I am so excited

A man in our bishopric was so incredibly kind as to volunteer, without me asking, to let me use his professional lights for my photo shoot tonight. He spent an hour or so last night setting them up with me on the stage at the church, and then spent time with me today getting my camera ready to use. He went to school for photography, and did it professionally for a while, but switched careers to education, and is now a principal at a school for children with learning and behavioral problems. He refuses to charge for his photography, because then it becomes tedious and stressful, so instead he does it occasionally for friends and family just for personal enjoyment. I am so grateful to him, this is a tremendous gift to an artist. I'm thinking that I will do a painting some time for his family as a thank you. I wish he could take the pictures himself, however my model is very self conscious, so even though I know she would agree if I asked her because she is so kind, I know it would make her extremely uncomfortable. This way will work though.

So, I have been following several artists, and seeing how they handle the process of posing a model and drawing/painting/photographing them. One thing I noted was that they provided yummy food to make it a more enjoyable experience for the model. So I am making these:  http://www.pinterest.com/pin/194217802651977282/

and then I'll have something yummy to drink... and maybe make some lemon bars because I have been craving them for a long time.

I am so excited, because this painting is coming along so professionally! My confidence in the outcome is growing with each day :)

she is home

After saying another prayer with Ethan earlier that Tinker would find her way home, I had a peaceful feeling that she was going to return home. Ryan was certain she was gone for good. This evening out of nowhere she showed up at our door. we think she had been trapped on accident in a shed somewhere, and she appears to have some heat exhaustion. I'm greatful for answered prayers.

Sweet Tinker

My Tinker hasn't come home in over a week. When we lived in Burley she only once left for more than a day, instead she would stay in our yard and preferred being inside. The last couple months she has taken off a couple times and hasn't returned for a couple days, but she always showed back up after 2 or 3 days. This is the longest she has been gone, and we fear she is not coming back. I hope that she was adopted by someone kind, but I worry that most likely she was hit by a car, or is trapped in a shed or something. I walked up and down the alley for several blocks calling, I drove around the area a bit looking; and I called the animal shelter, but they didn't answer their phone. I'm trying to accept that she isn't coming back, and that makes me so sad. Hunter started acting up the other day, and that is when I started to worry. He started following me around everywhere, and cried all night until we let him in--he is my independent wanderer, so the fact that he suddenly became super clingy made me think he knew something was up and he misses Tinker a lot apparently. I'm still holding out hope and saying prayers that she will return, though,

Patina Artist

I love plans and lists, but most often things work out much differently than planned.

I have the opportunity to possibly be a Patina Artist at a renowned Bronze Foundry here in Lander. Although I had no intentions of working, this is one of those opportunities that Ryan and I both feel I shouldn't pass up. Tomorrow is my interview, and I'm fairly certain, based on the reactions of the people at the foundry, that I have a very good chance of landing the job. If I get the job, I'm pretty sure I will love it, and it will help me to be a better 2-D artist as well.

Here is a video of what my job would entail. Seriously, one of the coolest jobs out there:

It will be full time, but I will be able to come in pretty early in the mornings once I am trained, and therefore I will get off of work in the early afternoon. Violet is at the age where she really wants to be around other children, and I was not looking forward to both of us being cooped up all winter. I know that she will LOVE being in preschool/daycare, however I am still a little worried. We will see how it goes, and take it one day at a time to see if it will or won't work out. Having me work will help us get completely out of debt (including Ryan's student loan) by February--this brings me immense peace. Because of the way I grew up, I feel very strongly about the importance and need for being self sufficient, and financially stable.

I don't know that I will stay at this job forever, we will just see how it goes.  I want to be that parent who is home at lunch so the kids can bring friends home, to create that kind of loving, safe environment where all the children would want to hang out there--so that we can be involved and influential in our children's lives.

I will still be working on my painting. I have peace about it, and know that everything will work out. I actually think things will go better, because I will be forced to organize my time so that everything will get taken care of. Plus, Ryan will help out around the house as well, so things will work out.

so funny

 I'm thinking of framing this one and putting it up on a wall,

 it makes me laugh every time I look at it--Especially since she purposefully

 posed like this for me.

 

Playing

I went out to check on the kids and the oldest neighbor girl was

teaching them how to play rock-paper-scissors.

They moved on to some game with her stuffed animals.

They were too cute playing out there not to take a picture.

I dread winter time when they will be shut inside,

but I love that they are getting some playing in now.

Beautiful

 

If you click on the individual pictures, you can see them better.

 

 

I found the perfect fishing spot, you could even see fish swimming

around down there on the sand bar. Some time we will have to find a babysitter,

 and than hike down along this river and spend an evening fishing. 

 

 

It is so hard to get kids to sit still and smile for a picture. I have ten or more pictures of this shot, and this is the only one where all three of us are sort of smiling and sitting still. Ethan was very unsure about sitting on the dirt... probably because of the snake we saw early on in the hike, as well as my thinking I got a tick on my arm (I brushed it off, but Ethan was sure every bug thereafter was a tick... though I refrained from explaining exactly what a tick was because then he would REALLY obsess over it, lol). He loved hiking back down from the falls, he ran pretty much the whole way pretending to be a ninja/iron man/batman/transformer the whole way down, and exclaiming after every jump off a rock "wasn't I awesome?!"

 

kerplop

I was bending over the creek, pulling the hoses through the trees on the other side of the creek, when a branch snagged my glasses and kerplop! they were gone. No time to react, just gone. I panicked and dropped down to feel the creek bed, hoping they sank, but as soon as I plunged my arms into the cold water I knew that the current had swept them away.

I ran up and down the creek to the storm drain, hoping I would see them through the murky water. You know, without the aid of my glasses to see through the murky water. I realized I would have to walk up and down the entire creek bed feeling with my hands, and hoping and praying that they snagged on something. It was not pleasant.

After going up and down it twice, I finally found them under the gate that separates the front yard from the back yard (the second time I had searched under there). I was reaching far under and felt a piece of them and about burst into tears.

I'm grateful that my prayer was answered. With the amount of things that I have lost over the years, with the same kerplop type suddenness, it was nice to find that important item when I prayed for it. Especially when you can't afford to replace them.

staying put

In anticipation of our home selling, we starting to look for a slightly bigger place to rent than our current basement apartment. I can not find anything. At all. Yesterday, we went to look at a trailer home that was supposed to be in an ideal location up in the canyon, with plenty of "lawn" for the kids to run around, and was 3 bedroom. After going through the trailer, both Ryan and I agreed that we had an ominous feeling about the place. Perhaps it was the broken doors (or lack of in the case of the kids room)... or the duct tape holding things together... or the "lawn" that really was weeds. And they wanted 900. We both decided we would rather be in a tiny, basement apartment for 3-5 years if it meant we could save enough to build our dream home.

So, here is what we are thinking for our dream home, and no, it will not be western themed inside:

 this one seems pretty practical.

this one is just awesome.

 

I love the open, centrally focused floor plans of log style homes. I also like how they are efficient in their use of space, and have such a simple beauty to them. Our plan is to save enough for a 20%+ down payment on a 15 year mortgage, and have the monthly payments be 25% of our monthly take home. Yes. I follow Dave Ramsey. :)

A final diagnoses

I took Ethan into Salt Lake on Tuesday for a three hour appointment at the Autism Spectrum Clinic at the University of Utah,  and they diagnosed him with Autism (most people know it as Aspergers, but apparently the scientific community is trying to get away from that title, and instead prefer to say that they register on the autism spectrum). They also think that he additionally does have ADD, but that we just need to try out other medicines (and in very small doses).

I am overwhelmed at the moment with all that we will need to teach him, but it is comforting to know that we can and will do it. Before we had hoped he would eventually pick things up on his own, with some teaching and coaching, but now we know he needs intense instruction done the correct way.

He struggles mainly in the social functioning area, so my biggest concern is bullying--from kids as well as adults. It is inevitable, and has already begun. It makes me happy to know that most adults who have worked one on one with Ethan absolutely love him--what's not to love? He is so sweet and cuddly (it is sweet and funny when he sits next to woman with long hair [so far luckily it has only been family members], leans on them and absent-mindedly plays with their hair. it often takes them by surprise), and he is happy and endearing. His laugh is so contagious.

However, there have been some adults who treat him like he is a bad kid, a nuisance, or deficient as a result of what we now know is autism. Some have even treated him like he was slow in intelligence, or mentally handicapped.

I love my sister Heather, because her response to that is the best, "you shouldn't treat anyone that way, even kids who ARE mentally handicapped". EXACTLY!! There are also kids who are starting to pick up on the strange things he does, and have begun being mean or excluding him as a result.

So, my goals are that I'm going to write down a list of everything he struggles with, and put it in order of priority.

Off the top of my head, friends and speech therapy are at the top of the list.

The psychologist told me she felt that the speech people at school needed to stop focusing on pronunciation, and work more on sentence structure and grammar--so that he can carry on conversations with adults and peers. He has come a long way in speech, however he still struggles with communicating, and most adults and peers can not understand him very well. It is very frustrating for him wanting to communicate and not being able to.

I have also decided I am going to do everything in my power to get him a group of friends, just by setting up different play dates throughout the summer. We don't have room right now in our apartment to have anyone over, but I figured we could do other things like invite several boys to go to the movies, etc.

There are so many little things that are big that go in line with just these two goals, though, like helping Ethan learn social etiquette, personal space, helping him learn adult's and kid's names, etc. (It took him until the end of the school year to tell me a couple names of kids in his class, and he still has no clue who is in church class).

I have also started doing P90X every day with him, and he loves it and has been so happy a result. I stop during every exercise and work with him with his balance and coordination, etc. because he really struggles doing basic exercises most kids can do. I plan on working at teaching him how to do sports (he has done sports, but he needs focused instruction), because I think sports offer a chance at friendship and social interaction that he needs.

At least we won't have to worry about them removing him from his IEP like they were going to do in Burley right before we left.

I will be contacting the schools to see what options we have for therapy. I'm also going to make sure his second grade teacher is the best one for him.

I don't know why it takes me by surprise, but I really do find it very interesting to see how each child develops differently from each other even when placed in the same situations and environment. Violet has amazing handwriting, though she has started to get a bit lazy on it since it isn't a challenge. She has even memorized how to write her name, though sometimes the letters are mixed up or sometimes she inserts her own gibberish of lines and squiggles. She has held writing/drawing utensils correctly since the first day she picked one up. She is very interactive with her environment, and such a happy girl. Most of the time she is content as long as she is near me. However, she is three years old and still can not seem to get the numbers in the right order (even just doing 1-3), and she does not know her alphabet. I have started trying to spend more time teaching her, though it is much different than it was with Ethan. Ethan picks everything up the first time you tell him. At this age Ethan would walk around Grandpa Anderson's yard counting flowers. Lately he has started getting into board games, and will play Risk, Monopoly, Ticket to Ride, and other games with Ryan and I, or by himself. Sometimes he plays correctly by himself, other times he makes up his own game. He also excelled at math and reading in school, getting a High to High/Average in both categories. At the same time, though, he still can not hold a pencil, fork, etc. correctly and I have to constantly remind him not to eat with his hands, and his writing is horrible, and he still struggles tying his shoes. And, at Violets age he definitely did not come close to writing his name. He didn't even like drawing or writing at all unless there was a purpose (still the same today). It reinforces in my mind the truth that it doesn't matter what each kid excels at in comparison to other kids, because each kid has their own skills and talents, and as parents and teachers I think we need to recognize and celebrate that more often than we do.

more doctor visits

Ethan had an adverse reaction to his ADD medicine (he has been SUPER emotional lately), and it did not actually help him at all. I have been watching him closely, and researching, and I have realized that I was probably wrong in discounting the autism diagnosis. I had thought that in order to have Autism or Aspergers you had to have the majority of the symptoms, but I guess you can have several of the symptoms and still have it. His doctor thinks it is very likely he has high functioning autism, or Aspergers, rather than ADD, and I think he is right. He said that high functioning Autism actually often looks like ADD and is misdiagnosed as such. I had put off taking him to specialists, because I had wanted to try out the ADD route and see if that was what it was. I will go ahead and get him into a pediatric psychologist in Salt Lake, if I can. I am worried about what this all means, but I know that he is such a sweet, smart boy, and everything will work out.

And.... the poor kid has a dentist appointment tomorrow. His 6 year molars came in with zero enamel on them, probably caused by when he was really sick and had the febral seizures around 14 months old. So, they are rotting and will eventually need to be pulled. The dentist is going in tomorrow to see how bad they are, and if they need to be pulled now or if they can wait. Ethan is not happy about seeing the dentist, because he knows they are going to be giving him shots in the mouth. I'm trying to help him prepare and not be upset and scared, but it isn't working so far. fun stuff.

Pictures

Fishing and picnic trip we took this morning up in the mountains. It was very hard to take pictures of Violet, because she is never still long enough, and she almost always refuses to look at the camera. She was very happy collecting sticks and rocks, and Ethan had fun fishing with Dad. You can click on each picture to see it more clearly.