All That Glitters/Good Better Best

Since I seem to post so rarely, I decided that a long post once in a while is okay :)

My painting was not accepted into the church competition. I knew that it was unlikely to get in as the subject matter and appearance was more edgy and rough than what you typically see in the Ensign. So although I was definitely disappointed, I didn't take it personally. I knew that I did a really good job on the painting, and that the message is very important, and for me that is what matters most.

I have been thinking hard lately about life and goals and who we are meant to be. It is my belief that everyone on earth has a purpose, a potential for greatness. It is of course a different thing for each person, and sometimes people downplay the importance and value of their potential or purpose compared to others, but that does not change how Heavenly Father views it or the value of what they are meant to do. 

When I was given a tour of the foundry upon applying for the job, they of course made the job sound completely amazing--after all, you get to work in this process of creating world renowned art, meeting artists and traveling around the world. It didn't take long for me to realize, however, that the foundry was not the right place for me, and I have been increasingly reminded of the truth that all that glitters is not gold. 

Working at the foundry was a once in a lifetime type experience, and I am grateful for the opportunity, but I could also see how, when it isn't the right place for you, that it could become a cancer, eating away at your dreams and goals and distracting you from your potential. Most of my co-workers have watched their goals and dreams fade away, whether it be a better paying job that provides for your family so your wife could be the stay-at-home mother she always dreamed of being, or a retirement (the person has tried to retire multiple times, only to be begged back into work by the owners) with your spouse rock hunting and camping and fishing--now too late because of increasing serious health problems and the fact that the husband might not live long enough for that. Most seem to have accepted that life is simply what they have been given. Many have tried to quit, but always end up returning after being convinced by the bosses that they need to be there.

And then there is me. I have increasingly disliked the atmosphere of my workplace, from the way the chemicals I work with effect my health to pressure from co-workers to lower my standards. My kids have also been needing me, and Violet has started faking sick and begging me to stay home with her. I knew that honestly I have never been meant for a job away from home--I knew that in my heart. So, I told my bosses that I was quitting at the end of May--and I felt so much peace. 

My work is not happy that I am quitting, and I have found out that they all believe that I will change my mind and come back in the fall when my kids are in school (apparently this is what they have all decided in morning meetings). They believe this because most of the other workers never seem to break away and reach their goals. Several of them try to tell me how you can't really succeed as an artist, and you could see on their faces that they thought my plan of being a full time artist in my small apartment was really not going to pan out.

One thing that really stood out to me was the other day I came back from lunch and my manager complimented me on the sculpture I had just finished. I thanked her, and she snapped "see what you are giving up?!" I thought for a moment she was just trying to be funny, but realized she was serious. I laughed awkwardly, and she continued "do you know how long it takes most people to do that sculpture? I have known people to take 2 weeks to do it. And you got it done in two days". In all honesty, I really do not believe it took anyone two weeks to do the patina, but I could see that she was really bothered by the idea that I could give up something like this. And to my mind immediately came the phrase "good, better, best". I knew I was giving up something good, for something best.  

So, my plan is to become a full time artist, be a full time mommy, and figure out how to maintain a clean and organized home. I have been increasingly struggling with my severe ADD, which makes it difficult to get anything accomplished as I get distracted so easily, forget everything, etc. Today we couldn't find where I put the fresh pineapple... it was supposed to be in the fridge, we found it in the pots and pans cupboard. I currently can not find my glasses, I don't even remember taking them off today. 

However, I have hope that one of these days I will find a medicine that works, and that with help from Heavenly Father, the internet, and maybe even find someone who is extremely good at organization to come  help me... that I can figure out how to function more easily. I plan on figuring out a routine and system that gets everyone in the household involved in such a way as to maintain the home. 

So--we were going to have me do my art in the kitchen. Ryan thought we could put the table in the storage space in the garage, and we could just eat at the bar and in the living room. I didn't love the idea, but was unsure what else would work other than renting studio space somewhere.

Then, last night I was offered studio space in a friend's unfinished basement. The space is ideal as it has several windows for natural lighting, an outside access door so I won't disturb the family when I come and go, and even has a sink to clean my brushes. The friend is more of an acquaintance friend, as I only see her once a week when I drop Ethan off for cub scouts (she is his cub scout leader), and I just happened to be randomly invited by another friend to accompany her to this cub scout leader's home for a girls night out dinner party. At the end of the evening the girl came up to me and told me about their huge unfinished basement and asked me if I wanted to use some of the space. I was so completely taken by surprise at the offer, that I almost burst into tears.

This morning Ryan surprised me by buying a beautiful table at a yard sale, and building shelves underneath for my paper/canvass supplies. All I need to find is some kind of locked container to put my brushes, paint, and turpentine in (so their kids don't accidentally get into them when I'm not there, that isn't safe). I plan on making the space look as beautiful as I can so that they will like having me there. I plan on setting aside several hours at the same time each day to go paint/draw so they don't have to stress about me coming and going at weird times and so that I can get into a routine of working on my art, as well as getting other things done throughout the day at home. 

I believe that doing what is right, even when we don't know how it will work, will always work out somehow. I believe that when we are doing what we are meant to be doing that things will work out eventually. Life seems to zig zag, you get a direction you know you are supposed to go, and then it changes with a slight tweak, again and again, as you are refined. I wasn't necessarily MEANT to do art, but I was meant to do something creative that helped me shape the world, and art and motherhood both do that. I am excited to prove naysayers wrong, especially myself--because one of the biggest hurdles in life seems to be overcoming your own fears of inadequacy or failure. I believe that the main reason people succeed at their goals--whatever they are--is simply not giving up and constantly working towards making them work.