Not so helpful

I am attempting to get organized in my home, and I am completely at a loss as to what to do. So, I start looking up articles on organization and ADHD (Because organization is a whole different monster to someone who has ADHD, like I do), and I come across this piece of advice:

5. Use a "body double."

This is a friend or family member who sits with you as you tackle mundane chores, like balancing a checkbook, filling out a job application, or reviewing financial statements. Your body double will create a productive atmosphere by sitting quietly and doing an unobtrusive task, like affixing stamps to envelopes or clipping recipes from a magazine.

RIIIIIGHT..... so.... where does one find these "body doubles"? can you buy them at the store? Rent them from the library? I have not succeeded in convincing any of my siblings to move to Wyoming and rent the place next door, though I admit that I have possibly pleaded and begged...

Oh, and the part about "Your body double will create a productive atmosphere by sitting quietly and doing an unobtrusive task..." Do these people have any idea of who this advice is for?!! sit quietly?!! seriously?!! That's not gonna happen, if there were ever such a beautiful scenario to occur where I actually had someone to hang out with and make my tasks less boring, I guarantee we would not be sitting in silence. I am quite certain that is impossible for me... and every other person I have ever met who has ADHD :)

All That Glitters/Good Better Best

Since I seem to post so rarely, I decided that a long post once in a while is okay :)

My painting was not accepted into the church competition. I knew that it was unlikely to get in as the subject matter and appearance was more edgy and rough than what you typically see in the Ensign. So although I was definitely disappointed, I didn't take it personally. I knew that I did a really good job on the painting, and that the message is very important, and for me that is what matters most.

I have been thinking hard lately about life and goals and who we are meant to be. It is my belief that everyone on earth has a purpose, a potential for greatness. It is of course a different thing for each person, and sometimes people downplay the importance and value of their potential or purpose compared to others, but that does not change how Heavenly Father views it or the value of what they are meant to do. 

When I was given a tour of the foundry upon applying for the job, they of course made the job sound completely amazing--after all, you get to work in this process of creating world renowned art, meeting artists and traveling around the world. It didn't take long for me to realize, however, that the foundry was not the right place for me, and I have been increasingly reminded of the truth that all that glitters is not gold. 

Working at the foundry was a once in a lifetime type experience, and I am grateful for the opportunity, but I could also see how, when it isn't the right place for you, that it could become a cancer, eating away at your dreams and goals and distracting you from your potential. Most of my co-workers have watched their goals and dreams fade away, whether it be a better paying job that provides for your family so your wife could be the stay-at-home mother she always dreamed of being, or a retirement (the person has tried to retire multiple times, only to be begged back into work by the owners) with your spouse rock hunting and camping and fishing--now too late because of increasing serious health problems and the fact that the husband might not live long enough for that. Most seem to have accepted that life is simply what they have been given. Many have tried to quit, but always end up returning after being convinced by the bosses that they need to be there.

And then there is me. I have increasingly disliked the atmosphere of my workplace, from the way the chemicals I work with effect my health to pressure from co-workers to lower my standards. My kids have also been needing me, and Violet has started faking sick and begging me to stay home with her. I knew that honestly I have never been meant for a job away from home--I knew that in my heart. So, I told my bosses that I was quitting at the end of May--and I felt so much peace. 

My work is not happy that I am quitting, and I have found out that they all believe that I will change my mind and come back in the fall when my kids are in school (apparently this is what they have all decided in morning meetings). They believe this because most of the other workers never seem to break away and reach their goals. Several of them try to tell me how you can't really succeed as an artist, and you could see on their faces that they thought my plan of being a full time artist in my small apartment was really not going to pan out.

One thing that really stood out to me was the other day I came back from lunch and my manager complimented me on the sculpture I had just finished. I thanked her, and she snapped "see what you are giving up?!" I thought for a moment she was just trying to be funny, but realized she was serious. I laughed awkwardly, and she continued "do you know how long it takes most people to do that sculpture? I have known people to take 2 weeks to do it. And you got it done in two days". In all honesty, I really do not believe it took anyone two weeks to do the patina, but I could see that she was really bothered by the idea that I could give up something like this. And to my mind immediately came the phrase "good, better, best". I knew I was giving up something good, for something best.  

So, my plan is to become a full time artist, be a full time mommy, and figure out how to maintain a clean and organized home. I have been increasingly struggling with my severe ADD, which makes it difficult to get anything accomplished as I get distracted so easily, forget everything, etc. Today we couldn't find where I put the fresh pineapple... it was supposed to be in the fridge, we found it in the pots and pans cupboard. I currently can not find my glasses, I don't even remember taking them off today. 

However, I have hope that one of these days I will find a medicine that works, and that with help from Heavenly Father, the internet, and maybe even find someone who is extremely good at organization to come  help me... that I can figure out how to function more easily. I plan on figuring out a routine and system that gets everyone in the household involved in such a way as to maintain the home. 

So--we were going to have me do my art in the kitchen. Ryan thought we could put the table in the storage space in the garage, and we could just eat at the bar and in the living room. I didn't love the idea, but was unsure what else would work other than renting studio space somewhere.

Then, last night I was offered studio space in a friend's unfinished basement. The space is ideal as it has several windows for natural lighting, an outside access door so I won't disturb the family when I come and go, and even has a sink to clean my brushes. The friend is more of an acquaintance friend, as I only see her once a week when I drop Ethan off for cub scouts (she is his cub scout leader), and I just happened to be randomly invited by another friend to accompany her to this cub scout leader's home for a girls night out dinner party. At the end of the evening the girl came up to me and told me about their huge unfinished basement and asked me if I wanted to use some of the space. I was so completely taken by surprise at the offer, that I almost burst into tears.

This morning Ryan surprised me by buying a beautiful table at a yard sale, and building shelves underneath for my paper/canvass supplies. All I need to find is some kind of locked container to put my brushes, paint, and turpentine in (so their kids don't accidentally get into them when I'm not there, that isn't safe). I plan on making the space look as beautiful as I can so that they will like having me there. I plan on setting aside several hours at the same time each day to go paint/draw so they don't have to stress about me coming and going at weird times and so that I can get into a routine of working on my art, as well as getting other things done throughout the day at home. 

I believe that doing what is right, even when we don't know how it will work, will always work out somehow. I believe that when we are doing what we are meant to be doing that things will work out eventually. Life seems to zig zag, you get a direction you know you are supposed to go, and then it changes with a slight tweak, again and again, as you are refined. I wasn't necessarily MEANT to do art, but I was meant to do something creative that helped me shape the world, and art and motherhood both do that. I am excited to prove naysayers wrong, especially myself--because one of the biggest hurdles in life seems to be overcoming your own fears of inadequacy or failure. I believe that the main reason people succeed at their goals--whatever they are--is simply not giving up and constantly working towards making them work. 

The finished painting

I present the finished painting.

I am still in shock that I finished, that it was on time, and that I did it exactly how I imagined (minus a couple design differences that I just didn't have time to put in, such as sleeve tattoos). This is the very first oil painting I have ever even come close to completing, and the very first oil portrait I have ever done. This means a lot to me. I even surprised Ryan.

This is for the 10th International LDS Art Competition (deadline: last Friday. I cut it very close--the paint is still wet, hahaha). The theme is "Tell Me The Stories of Jesus". My first thoughts about this theme is the quantity of artwork I have seen portraying characters from Christ's stories, life, and ministry, and how typically they are very abstract to us today--we see these characters in robes and scenes that are completely removed from us. However, the teachings of Christ are more than just sweet stories from 2000 years ago. The people He spoke of and taught and associated with were real people, with real trials, hardships, and mistakes.

I thought of the lady who was dragged in front of Jesus to be judged for adultery, who was taken in the act of sin--in other words, she had been caught in the act of doing something that at the time was punishable by stoning death. When we see artwork depicting her, typically she is shown in a very sympathetic manner--flowing robes, gorgeous flowing hair. We sympathize with her pain and humiliation. However, what would that girl look like if we saw her in today's world? Would we still have compassion and love, as Christ did, or would we be ready to condemn, ignore, and avoid her? Christ did not condone her actions, but He first saw her as a daughter of God, with divine worth that was not diminished or erased by her sins. When we see the social lepers of today's world, the people who are annoying, socially awkward, those who made poor life choices, those who are homeless, do we do as Christ did and show compassion and love first and foremost, or do we do as the Pharisees did--avoiding them like the plague, stoning them with our judgement and condemnation, ignoring them, etc.?
My painting was also greatly influenced by Elder Dallin H Oaks talk from this past falls General Conference, which explained in detail exactly what I chose to paint. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/10/loving-others-and-living-with-differences?lang=eng

one step at a time

It is hard to do everything, but I have found that I get more done, and my ADD is a little easier to manage, when I have a LOT of things to do--and especially if some of the major things in that list of things to do is engaging and fulfilling. It might take a while though to get things done with having so many things to do...

I have been slowly working on my painting. Any slower and I wouldn't be working on it at all hahahaha. I have been feeling an internal push to paint, but I never seem to be able to fit it in. I would like to do it at work in the evenings, but so far haven't had the opportunity to leave home once I get home for the day.

I busted out my paints today, in my tiny living room, and after failing at color mixing, I turned to the internet for help, again. I can not express my love for the internet enough. I found several articles on color theory that were exactly what I needed, and figured out how to solve my road block. Of course, I am too tired at this point to start painting again for the evening, but I know what to do when I go at it again.

And have I mentioned how messy oil paints are? I managed to get them all over my face without even trying. even on my mouth. I have skills. And, have I mentioned how toxic oil paints are? Hence why I washed my lips down with dawn soap. so fun hahaha.

I went to bed with full intentions of going to sleep... and then Ryan put an idea in my head, which of course was like a domino effect and led to a really good idea for my painting, and now my brain is going and won't stop. I wasn't going to get to sleep unless I figured out the specifics of how my idea would work, so I got onto the computer, opened up my Photoshop, and figured out how to redesign my painting for this new idea. The best part is it will only take some minor tweaking but will result in a better composition, and a clearer message.

I really, really appreciate technology like google and photoshop. It makes me wonder if our ancestors ever get angry at how we take it for granted (I have been assured that people who have gone before us do not get angry, because they are beyond such things, but I still wonder :) ). There is absolutely no excuse not to learn whatever it is you want to learn. When I hit my roadblock tonight, my first thought was to pray for help, hoping the answer would just pop into my head; and then I had the impression come that if I really believed that you could learn anything these days, than why shouldn't I be looking it up on the internet? I felt as if I was being taught a lesson, similar to the brother of Jared in the Book of Mormon. We have been given so much in this day and age, we really do not have any excuses not to further our education as much as we can through personal research, etc.

some of the things I have been working on

This sculpture by Benjamin Victor of Delilah is in my opinion 

the best sculpture I have as of yet seen come through the foundry. I am completely in awe of it every time I walk by it, and am kind of sad to see it be shipped off. 

 I helped in the mold room one day when we didn't have any metal to work on. Actually I spent the week in there. They will often mold in pieces, so that is why he is missing some body parts.

 I am so stinking proud of doing the patina on this piece. my manager had her way of doing it, and the first time I did the piece I did it her way, though I knew it wasn't the best way--and it didn't turn out perfect. The second time around (it is part of a series) I thought a lot about it, and came up with a different way of doing it. My manager was not pleased, and all along the way kept commenting on how I should have done it the other way, thinking that I was completely messing it up. It turned out PERFECT. I have discovered that I do have skill in something, I do have knowledge and understanding beyond the basics in something, and it is a very big confidence boost. I am discovering that although my managers do have more experience in application and "recipes" (they were trained on the job, they are self proclaimed NOT artists--artists drive them crazy... and now they have to work with an artist hahaha), I really do know my stuff when it comes to color, design, composition, value, and all those things you learn in school as well as in years of painting and drawing. 

moments of beauty

We have been blessed with smart, kind, beautiful children. Sometimes I just marvel at the miracle my children are. Sometimes I let Violet fall asleep in my bed with me, and I enjoy holding her close like when she was a baby, and think that these days are so fleeting and someday soon they will be all grown up and I will severely miss this. Between the temper tantrums, and difficult days there are moments of pure beauty. Recently I was struggling with my inadequacies as a parent, and I overheard Ethan proudly telling his friend how his mom was funny and would play with him. I realized that at the end of my life, the greatest compliment I could get from my children wouldn't be that I kept an immaculate home, or that I was super organized, but that I made them feel loved.  It made it a little less of a big deal to me that I struggle in other areas. 

I lost my make-up a couple months back. All of it. We had just returned from a trip, and so it was assumed that I lost it on the trip. I am not a make-up person, I just like being me most days as I am, but I like being able to look extra nice sometimes. So, I finally broke down and bought all new make-up this last week, and even some things I should have bought years ago--like in High School---hahaha. I feel like a grown up. I was so excited to try my new stuff out.


Today we found my missing make-up. Violet had stashed it in the back of her closet, behind toy boxes. It must have happened when we were un-packing. Ryan says it had to have been me, because Violet says she didn't do it, and she is so cute that he believes her. :)


We are currently staying put in our tiny apartment. We keep going back and forth on whether or not to move, and we even found a cute house to rent that would have been perfect, however our desire to be wise and save, and pay of debt, etc. won out. It is hard being a financially responsible adult sometimes, but we keep plugging along. As Ryan says, we are tough! ... or something :)


I emptied my strawberries out of my garden plot today and gave most of them to a friend who has a huge garden. She is going to let me garden with her family next year, instead of me going to the community garden.


I saved one large strawberry plant and planted in it in a hanging planter that is really pretty. I have no idea if it will survive or thrive in our tiny apartment over the winter but we will see. I am finding it very nice to be able to go and buy things we want, that are not complete necessities--like hanging planters, or new make-up, or a cute hat for work--and not stress about it. I am very grateful for Ryan's job. My job is supplemental, and helps towards our saving and paying off debt, and it is definitely educational and interesting being that I am working as a patineur in a bronze foundry, but I am grateful that Ryan has finally been able to get a job that is fulfilling and supports our family.